Letters from an EXSOLDIER
by makodreamafar
Summary: Zack writes letters when hes on the run with Cloud.
1. Chapter 1

Name: Letters from an EX-SOILDER

Characters: Zack/Cloud a bit

Rating: mostly pg 13 to be safe

Disclaimer: I have no claim over Zack or cloud, or any of the features of final fantasy 7

My name is Zachary Fair. That sounds stupid to begin this story with my name, but ya know names are important. But more than anything events and feelings are. His name, was, is Cloud Strife, and he was a cadet, I say was because Im guessing we've been given discharge from the army. Yeah it sucks when I think of him in the past tense but some times it slips and I do it. His eyes stare dully, comatose. What the hell am I writing…I think I'm loosing it no ones gonna find these words. But it sucks always being on the run and as much as I love Spike he's not much of a conversationalist. Hell even when he was perfectly fine the kid was always so shy, when I first met him I thought he was going to pass out from embarrassment. But sometimes I would get him into these conversations and he would light up like a Christmas tree. Now I can't even get him to stutter and try and shy away from my affections. Mako poisoning, that's what's wrong with him, though that's all I can tell, he, we were exposed to it for so long, we were exposed to a lot for a long time. But he was always so susceptible to the damn stuff, Mako that is. I guess that was the main reason he was never accepted into SOILDER although the fact that he wasn't very strong, or big, ok so maybe he didn't have much of a chance, especially being that pretty. I mean guys aren't supposed to have such big eyes, eyes that are the male feature on a very feminine face, hell not even Aerith had eyes that big. It's a wonder he was never raped in the Shin-Ra company halls. Hell I bet even if he had been raped he wouldn't tell anyone in fear of getting kicked out or being considered even more of a failure than he already was. Not that I thought he was a failure, a coupe more years and maybe I would have been able to have him up to so SOILDER standards. But none of that matters. The kid was so determined to let nobody in, he was so fragile, so scared, yet in front of people he would shy away, the first time I had touched his hair he flinched acting as if I had tried to kill him I finally managed to let make him let me in pushing and pushing until he cracked and let me into-----FUCK!

~tbc

so what did you think was it worth posting? (my beta has not seen this so please forgive me for any problems)


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 7

Sorry about the sudden trail off in my last note, Spike and I are kinda on the run. Why the hell am I writing when I am on the run you ask? Cause my buddy here does not speak and though I try to get him to talk he refuses to speak to me, stubborn huh? To tell the truth though, it probably isn't a wise idea to be writing down this crap, after all we care on the run from Shin-Ra, and I hate to think the look that Hojo would have if he ever got a hold of this notebook.

Hojo.

It all comes down to that sick bastard; I have never wanted to kill anyone, never. But for him I would make an exception.

He's the reason that Cloud's so fucked up, why we both are. Hell I know for sure there's something wrong with me, its like a bug crawling beneath my skin, scratching its way to the surface. Like a mako addict without a fix, but even worse, I know that Clouds got it ten times worse. Hojo, as much as he liked to screw with me liked to screw with Cloud even more, he liked to mess with the kids head, liked to make him suffer hallucinations.

I could always hear the kid screaming, the sound killing my hearing as he begged for me to make it stop to just make it stop, to make the pain stop. I don't even know what the kid saw when his eyes would blank out like that, and then they would widen, he would scream and tug at his hair throw himself against his cell, till his bones crunched and sickening sounds of blood squelching would fill the other room. Those weren't the worst times though, I could handle that I could handle him being insane. Insanity I could draw him back from. The drugs would wear off and he would be back to normal. I used to tell him stories, you know that, I would ramble on about all the funny things we had done, all the stupid shit I had gotten myself into. He would manage a small smile and he would hold on, he was there. But after we got put into the tanks I couldn't help him.

That bastard tore Cloud away from me in the worst way possible, I couldn't talk to him, couldn't give him small touches through the bars that connected out cells. I just had to watch as they hurt him, as they ripped his flesh from the bone and made him beg for the gods to forgive him for whatever he had done to deserve the pain. I wanted him to know that it was all right but I couldn't tell him cause he couldn't hear me. And then he lost it. Completely. He shoved everything inside and just let himself hide. It was the worst thing that Hojo could have done to me, to him, to the both of us. I got to watch as the person who I had promised to protect drove himself into his mind because I wasn't there.

I would have rather had Hojo kill him, death was better than the constant torment, than the secret belief that we would never escape, that I wasn't strong enough to get us out. There was nothing besides the stench of mako, the feeling of it pulsing in your ears, not loud enough to block out the screams as Hojo conducted his experiments.

Not with enhanced hearing, the muttering that he would do under his breath as he looked at us and made nodes, and rubbed those damned hands together plotting the next torture. A constant pulsing in your head as headaches happened because of the earaches that occurred from the mako filling your inner ear, a pulsating pain that seemed to be enhanced by the feeling of the power source of the planet pushing at your pores, making you let it in, so it could kill you, so that it could make you live.

You would barely notice the needle that was pushed into your skin allowing fluids and vitamins to keep you alive along with the mako. I hated when they took me from the tank though, I hated it even more when they took Cloud out with me. Those were the times where Hojo let himself fucking shine. He'd strap us both down and test Clouds reactions compared to mine, what scared me the most was that he would talk about injecting S cells into the blond, muttering about how Cloud would be the bearer of the cells and help them act. I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about and that scared me, because I can't help Spike if I don't know what he's going through. Not that I could've helped him in that state.

I'm grateful though, even though he tortured us both until our blood ran down the table and onto the floor, because on that day he was terribly angry and that told me that whatever he was planning had failed. It gave me sick satisfaction that even though we couldn't really fight back that we could mess up his experiments, maybe if we had been faster we could have stopped the experiment on Seph, maybe we could have stopped all of this, if we had just been able to stop him from loosing it then none of this would have happened and everything would be a dream…we're being followed.

~~~ so any better? Please leave a comment


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own final fantasy 7

Author Note: If you are curious the song that I was listening to during this chapter was Only one by Yellowcard, it really adds something if you listen to it while reading this, as always please review it feeds my muses.

Thanks to Lana-chan for the review

Cloud seems to be well, the same. Not any better. Not any worse. It really sucks. I mean well I don't want to sound ungrateful, but fuck, I wish he would move or something. Just a little bit. Just to show me, "hey I'm still here, I'm Cloud, ya know the boy who you snuck out to the bar and kissed when I was 14 and you were a SOILDER first class." Something, anything. Cloud just looks at me with this blank stare and it hurts. I…I've tried I call him: chocobo, kid of rapable proportions, blue eyes, fluffy, girly man, SOILDER, Reno's lust buddy, Sephiroth worshipper. Nothing works. I want to believe he's in there but every time I see those blue eyes stare blankly, I feel as if there's nothing left. It's been two years since I've heard his voice do anything but scream and the last words he spoke were, "Zack, I'm scared."

I think he knew Hojo was finally going to drive him insane. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe not. On one hand I miss and on the other I'm glad he was only lucid for three of the five years, that we were there. Sounds lame I know. But you know the truth? Part of me half expects to wake up and have him standing above me, a pout on his lips, asking me if I was planning on doing anything besides sleeping today, but I close my eyes then reopen them and there's the same wilderness around us the same damned feeling of fear.

The same fear that had quivered in his voice as he spoke the last words that I've heard from him. His hands had trembled at that time, his body trying to connect with my own ever through the glass as he screamed inside for me, as I screamed inside for him to just hold on for him to never let go. The thing about mako tanks is I can hear out but the people outside can't hear in, besides my voice would be garbled anyways. But I could hear that soft voice tremble. I could feel his fear.

His desperation for me to just save him.

And I failed. I let them use him, I wasn't strong enough. I just wasn't strong enough to stop any of this from happening. There was not enough strength in these callused hands to to hold him tightly when he wanted to just give up. There was not enough friendship in my heart to break through to Sephiroth when he thought the world had forsaken him, when the world had forsaken him. Nobody really knew him, nobody besides me, had seen him break down and hold back tears, from the pain that racked his body from the experiments that Hojo did on him.

Maybe that's part of the problem, I couldn't save either one of them. Is this some sort of redemption that I have thought up for myself, is this my self-induced duty. Or is this because I want to help a friend. Maybe I'm just a selfish person who wants to feel as if he has succeeded somewhere. Or maybe I'm just a good friend. I can't tell anymore, its like, I don't quite know who I am, and the pieces won't slip into place like they should. My hands shaking as I write this and I'm hoping to god that Cloud doesn't see me want to cry, the tears that are already pushing at the side of my eyes as the stars twinkle above us lighting our path in this damned forest. What am I doing! I don't have room to cry Cloud, he needs me, there is no room for me to be broken, there is no room for me to be crying like this. Gods, its getting colder in these nights, I think it might be winter, we may have trouble with that if it comes down to it snowing.

You know? It was snowing the first time I kissed Cloud, he was fourteen, it was his first Christmas away from home and I sealed our lips and pulled him to me tightly. I stunk of alcohol, but I swear to Shiva the warmth that had spread through me at the pressing of our lips was hotter than any liquor in my stomach. He was so small, so delicate, all blue eyes and soft skin, his lips were made to be kissed, plump and full as he looked at me with surprise and happiness. I think he had a crush on me before that. Or maybe that's just my mind. But, he was there and so was I and it was just us and the empty section of Midgar; on a night where people were either with their lovers or their family and he felt so nice against me. So I pulled him closer and on the upper plate I gave him his first kiss, and perhaps the first kiss that had started the ending of all of my playboy attitude. I would give anything to feel that again, to feel him press against me to feel those arms wrap around me timidly as he leaned up his toes pushing against the pavement over metal and dirt, his whole body shaking as he tried not to mess up, so scared. I would give anything to know that Cloud, that the boy, that he would…

I just want Cloud back.

That's all I want.

Cloud.

Tbc


End file.
